“I want our love to be a deliberate love. An on purpose love.
The love still there after midnight strikes and the chariot turns to pumpkin. The of love that sprouts after the magic has worn off. After I’m no longer consumed by you and we no longer speak on the phone until 5am and we have to work at 8am. I want the love after I’ve seen your ugly, witnessed your demons, smelled your morning breath, seen your credit score and your student loans.
I want to see you vulnerable, broken, scared, yet trusting that your struggle is safe with me. I want be scared with you, broken with you, struggle with you, hate you sometimes, and still choose you. I want to see it all, and still marvel in the magic that you are, grateful for the privilege to be near you, my gaze upon you saturated with deep admiration for your resilience, inspired by your eagerness to conquer the world.
I want to love you on purpose. I want to choose you on purpose. I want our love to be a deliberate love. An on purpose love.” ~~Isabelle Masado
I wrote this on Facebook at the end of December which marked the end of a one-year dating sabbatical (story for an another time) and I was musing on the type of love I was willing to accept into my life, the type of love I was willing to bring into someone’s life. I received a lot of positive feedback from it, but then it really got me thinking deeper about my self love. I thought until then, that I’d been giving myself abundant love. But this status opened my eyes to how much I had been holding back from myself.
In the status, I wrote about the kind of love I wanted to give someone else. How I was willing to purposely love someone broken, to see magic in their ordinary, to witness their ugly, their fear, their demons, and still choose them, still show up for them, still love them on purpose.
This kind of loyal, abundant, on purpose love, had I really given it to myself? I mean certainly I am making progress with sitting more comfortably in my body, but I still struggle sometimes to be my own cheerleader. Sometimes I get impatient with myself and the things I am slow to pick up, the discipline that doesn’t come easily or the things that easily break me down. Sometimes I feel like my body and myself, are a place I’m continuously trying to escape from because I’m never good enough. Do you feel that way too? So this status really got me to think.
What if I made the decision to be this is generous with myself?
To be aware of all my ugly, my demons, my fears, and still show up for myself. Still love me, still root for me, still see the extraordinary in me.
What if I choose me? On purpose? These are questions I’m willing to spend the rest of my life finding out the answers to.
Dear reader, what if you are the one you’ve been waiting for, waiting to choose you, waiting to give you value? I invite you to stop waiting for someone else to give you permission to be extraordinary, or to feel worthy of all the love you’ve ever dreamed of. What if you choose you? What if today is the day you awaken to your own awesomeness?
Isabelle Masado writes about body compassion on her blog "The Dear Body Project". She knows all too well that the personal is the political, is the community. As such, there is no discussing body compassion without talking about the assault on black bodies, trans women, and people with disabilities. Her mantra is, "How can I live in a way that makes room for you too"? She writes to examine, to heal, to redeem.